Change

"People always say that change is a good thing, but what it really means is that something that you didn't want to happen, has happened." (from You've Got Mail) 

I love that movie, I watch it often.  That quote from Meg Ryan's character Kathleen Kelly has been in my head a lot lately.   We found out about a month ago that my husband is deploying and will be leaving this month.  Normally we are given about 6 months notice but this time is very different.  The circumstances surrounding this deployment have been extremely unpleasant (understatement).  My husband is going in place of someone that can not go and has somehow always been able to get out of his deployments.  Anger is not exactly the word I would describe for the emotion I feel towards this person.  I tried very hard in the beginning to be calm and pray for this person.  The more and more I tried the madder I got.  This man has turned my next 6 months upside down, not to mention my children's lives.  My husband has not been home a year yet and is leaving again, during the holidays...again.  This was supposed to be our year with him, this was supposed to be a year of ALL holidays with him.  Giving thanks together at Thanksgiving, shopping for Christmas presents for the girls together, opening presents together (not via Skype) on Christmas morning. A school year that would involve both parents attending conferences and school programs, both of us watching as Hannah steps onto the basketball court for the first time and Kaitlyn shakes her first set of pom poms. Instead I will carry a camera with me at all times to capture all the moments he is missing.  Make sure that my phone is always charged so I don't miss his call and check that my computer is always on so I don't miss a hopeful video chat.

I know I shouldn't complain and trust me nothing irks me more than a whiny military wife but for the first time I just want to stomp my feet and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!". I know that this will not help the situation in any way but there has to be some kind of outlet for my feelings.  I have an amazing support staff surrounding me.  Friends that are willing to help me in any way, family that is always happy to talk to me on the phone. My mom and dad are always there to talk to me through tears and frustration and be there for me even though we live on opposite sides of the country.  The girls and I will be fine, we always are, but it doesn't give us back the time we are losing.  

All I ask from anyone is that you pray for us.  Pray for safety and wisdom for my husband. Pray for peace for my daughters to help them understand the emotions they are feeling.  Pray for patience for me.  Patience for the days that can become overwhelming while on single parent duty.   And pray for forgiveness, something I have not been able to do.  Forgive this person for turning my world upside down.  

This post has taken me two weeks to write.  I couldn't find the words or maybe I could but just could not bear to see them.  Writing the words down somehow makes things more real and some days floating down the river of denial is a much better place to be than reality.